It’s not you, It’s me

If this blog sounds insensitive, I can’t do much about it honestly. I am not responsible for your scarred life (at least for most of you).

It’s almost wedding season, and almost everyone, other than people in my friend circle, are getting married. Love doves are putting up their wedding countdowns on social media, and singles are making an Excel tracker of every countdown. I really love these countdowns, it’s similar to what FIFA does for the Football World Cup, albeit FIFA doesn’t do it as grand as these folks getting married. Very soon, most of the weddings would have a theme song to go with the count-down, just like there was Shakira’s “Waka Waka” for the 2010 World Cup. Weddings are serious here, and I am sure if the “2010 Commonwealth Games” was called “2010 Commonwealth Wedding”, Indians would have taken the organization of the event more seriously.

Anyway, weddings need to be special. We should always remember what SRK said about marriage in one of his movies where he got married twice – “Hum ek baar jeete hai, ek baar marte hai, shaadi bhi ek baar hoti hai.“

While our movies are giving such important messages on love and marriages, they fail to cover break-ups properly. There aren’t no legendary dialogues, at least on the back of my mind. However, there is one popular song. Here are some lyrics of “The Break Up Song” –

Kuch din to rona dhona bumper kiya

Aur phir delete uska number kiya

Aansu jo sookhe seedha parlour gayi

Parlour mein jaake shampoo jamkar kiya

Might also add “market jaa kee aalo liya aur raat ko daaru piya” and this song would still make sense. 

These lyrics are actually worse than some of the stuff Lil Wayne used to sing. And Lil Wayne once had a song which said – “She licks me like a lollipop”. Yikes!

This leaves people in very awkward situations when preparing for break-ups. You can’t learn about handling break-ups from movies. The trigonometry you learnt in school isn’t helping either. You can’t approach your parents for advice. There aren’t no mentors in this field either. There are love-gurus on radio, but no break-up gurus. The entire system is flawed; it believes things would always work out. Hence, we do not have anything to fall back upon when things go south.

Here are some of the things people generally say, which are quite interesting.

 

1)      It’s not you, it’s me

Why would you do that? Do you have self-esteem issues where you constantly end up blaming yourself?

Alternative line: It’s not you, it’s not me, it’s us. Both of us together are a disaster.

 

2)      You’ll find someone better

Lame. It’s like saying we are a mess now, but at least you have a bright future. Sounded like a proper politician there.

3)      I’m so sorry

Clearly displays lack of creativity, efforts and respect. These are the kind of people who will win the Academy Award and just say “Thank You” in their acceptance speech, when they were expected to say so many things.

 

4)      I hope we can still be friends

You should have only been friends in the first place. 

5)      I never meant to hurt you

… but accidents happen all the time, and there’s collateral damage always.  

6)      This is hard for me, too

You are feeling terrible. But the fact that even I’m feeling terrible, should make you feel less terrible.

 

7)      We’re just friends

Friendzoned, actually. Can feel just like break-up because it ends your imaginary relationship, and hence honorable mention.

This isn’t an exhaustive list. What you say will actually depend on your creativity, and how smooth you want the break-up experience to be. No matter if you are driving a Ferrari or a Nano, it would always be a tough ride since the road is difficult. And if you break up during these times, all the best on finding anyone during the middle of a pandemic.

I am glad I could write after a long time. I have been able to touch upon a very sensitive issue of our society, which people are afraid to talk about. It’s time to start a conversation.

Wishing fireworks in your relationships (interpret this as you may want – this could mean anything). Happy Diwali.

 

Yours bitterly,

Ashish M.

P.S. - Thanks to Archita for suggesting this blog idea. If you folks want me to cover other sensitive issues affecting the society, please feel free to reach out.

 

Garbage Consumption

Just a week ago, Indore was declared the cleanest city of India. Our country hasn’t become clean overnight. We, as a nation, have consumed a lot of garbage over the years. We still continue to do so. You will know how.

You grow up being highly influenced by everyone you interact with, including the one-sided interaction with TV and movies. You watch the commercials of “Slim Sauna Belt” with a man saying, “I used to be FAT and UNHAPPY.” You watch the popular fairness cream advertisement where a girl lands a lucrative job because her skin shade becomes fairer after applying fairness cream. You watched those deodorant ads where a guy becomes a chick magnet after applying a particular deodorant. I used to apply four of them, all at once, for advanced effects.

Of course, we did not believe these ads, in the literal sense. However, in some way, what we watch does influence us one way or another. This is especially the case when we are young and naïve. To illustrate with the slim sauna belt ad: although you may not believe that the belt will make you slim, you start believing that being fat will have you bullied and make you awkward and unhappy. The fairness cream ad exaggerated the importance of looking fair, and penny for thoughts for anyone who was watching that ad and had a darker skin. Awkward, right? The deodorant ads made you believe that having a pleasant artificial smell will make you attractive to a person. You never realized that your body odor releases pheromones, which have a better chance of attracting someone than any deodorant. When you use a strong deodorant, you destroy the smell of these pheromones.

To sum it up, these ads made you believe that overweight people are the unhappiest, dark skin was a disorder, and smelling human was a turn off. And these are just a few examples.

Oh, don’t get me started on movies. I will need at least a 1000 words for each of them and still wouldn’t be able to reach their depths of stupidity. The songs used to be next level. If ever you want to determine how creative the lyrics were, you need to just translate them to English. There’s a particular sad song picturized on Govinda, which makes me laugh. A couple of lines below –

Original version – Tum hi ne meri zindagi, kharab ki hai,

Tumhare liye hi maine, sharaab pee hai

 Translated – You have ruined my life,

And just for you, I have consumed alcohol

Govinda gets slapped at the end of this song by the way (link below), and rightly so for singing such disgusting lyrics.

Just randomly pick some movies from 90s. The blame of a failed relationship was put on the female lead most of the times, if not all the times. The female actor moves on, but the male actor is left all gutted. Why is it that most sad songs in movies are shot on male, but not female actors? Mildly sexist, eh?

Even the serious content we produce is sometimes so garbage. Look at our news channels. They are busy reading the Whatsapp chats between Mahesh Bhatt and Rhea C. One news channel which broke the news of his death headlined – “Sushant out hit-wicket”. Hit wicket is a dismissal in cricket where the batsman gets himself out by hitting the stumps with his bat. A very sensitive analogy indeed.

One of India’s leading prime time news anchors, who is supposed to moderate debates, actually gets involved fully and makes the debate all about himself. Not only that, his command over language is exceptional, and sometimes he can be spotted using words like “chillam chilli”. If you are watching this guy debating with your kids, you might well encourage them to watch porn as well. They are going to end up with a contaminated mind anyway. For a change, there is a video of him being trolled internationally in the link below.

Make no mistake, such content has been created and continues to be created, because it’s acceptable to the majority of us. If there was no appetite for such a content, no one could be encouraged to create them. They are what we are, sadly. We clearly need to improve our tastes.

Lastly, happy (and safe) Ganesh Chaturthi to all of you. Hope you aren’t inviting to many guests over your place during the festivities. May Ganesh give you and your family a lot of immunity, in case you are.

Thank you.

Yours bitterly,

Ashish M.

Legendary Bollywood love song

John Oliver praising an Indian journalist

Shallow Answers to Tough Questions

Q) Expand – (a+b)ⁿ

Solution:  (a    +      b)ⁿ

               = ( a             +                b  )ⁿ

              = (   a                  +                   b  )ⁿ   (Final answer)

 

Here’s the thing about the above answer - while it looks to be right, we all know it wasn’t supposed to go this way. My nerd experience tells me that whenever a question looks very easy, it is a trap. If answers are obvious, math questions wouldn’t be called “problems”.

Last week, we lost Sushant Singh Rajput (SSR), a rising star of Indian cinema. Preliminary investigation has revealed suicide; perhaps more details would come out soon. The event left the entire nation shocked, and everyone was searching for answers, as to what could drive a person to that step. What was actually going in that person’s head, who was full of potential and also so successful? Tributes started pouring in, and people started paying him respect in the most meaningful way of our times – putting Whatsapp and Instagram stories.

Suddenly, the social media is bombarded with posts on mental health. Suddenly, everyone is aware, that people who commit suicides are in a dark place of their own. Suddenly, they realize that people can sometimes get bullied even in Bollywood. A lightning strikes their heads, and they realize that Bollywood is plagued with nepotism.

Since the general intelligence quotient here is so high, people did start finding answers to all the questions. They found a clip where SRK was joking with SSR in an award show and immediately identified that it was bullying. They found a clip where Alia Bhatt was playing marry, hook up and kill (Alia chose the last option for SSR), and immediately decided that she had disrespected him. When SRK dropped a condolence message on his Twitter feed, someone called him out as arrogant. While the question was difficult, people did find all the simple answers. They connected some dots, and found a ‘group’ of people (famous directors/producers, star kids, etc.) on whom the entire blame could be placed upon. While some of these folks might be part of the problem, they aren’t the problem themselves.

nepotism - the practice among those with power or influence of favouring relatives or friends, especially by giving them jobs

Why are people even surprised by nepotism? It’s not just Bollywood, it is present everywhere. Politicians, corporate moguls, people at higher levels of management in organizations, or basically anyone who can assert an influence is often exercising it (not all of them, but a lot of them). It’s not a Bollywood problem, it’s a social problem. However, you can still choose to blame it all on one person or a group of person and close your eyes to a social issue. Easier answer, right?

I am surprised people are talking about bullying as if it’s just a Bollywood problem. Some of you would have a friend who would tell you about his or her toxic work environment or a workplace bully. A recent study concluded that 75% people become victims of workplace bullying, at some point in their life. 

I saw a lot of posts with people saying “talk to me”. Just because you posted “talk to me”, a person feeling low would not come and start talking to you. You need to look out for people who are close to you. You need to identify someone who might be vulnerable. It may be someone who might be having a difficult time professionally or as a friend suggested, someone who stays alone without a family. It may be someone, who has just had some kind of setback in life. Sometimes, you might get a hint of how they feel through their social media activity. We need to realize that things have become digital and people have become bad at actual conversations. If they feel low, they might just remove their WhatsApp profile pictures, or put a depressed sounding status update on Facebook. All of this but they still might not open up on their own. Look out for the signs and vulnerabilities and watch out for them. With 1.3 lac suicides in India in 2018 alone, I am sure we have a lot to understand on the problem, rather than pointing fingers at a person or a group of people like the twitter user below.

 And if you ever feel low, “talk to me”.

Yours bitterly,

Ashish M. 

(Click on the image to zoom) 

References- 

Did you know 75% of employees are victims of workplace bullying?

10k student suicides in ’18, highest in 10 yrs

Uninstalling Logic…..

logic - reasoning conducted or assessed according to strict principles of validity

Most of us have been restricted to our homes for the last few months now. We’ve tried to keep ourselves busy, and have been hugely successful in doing so. Ludo is now a national obsession, and it might soon replace nation’s favorite game – cricket (Ludo Premier League, just imagine!). We had a pandemic to fight, so we decided our priorities well and displayed unprecedented national strength. We single handedly brought down ratings of a Chinese app from 4+ stars to around 1 star on Playstore. This was a big statement we made globally, to everyone who had doubts on our resolve when we could not resist alcohol queues.

However, in spite of the astounding achievement, we are not the ones to rest on our laurels. There’s a new fad in town, and its grabbing eyeballs. There’s huge participation, and people are completing the act with flying colours. I am looking forward to get involved as well, and experience a new high in life. But like all the important decisions of my life, this comes with a huge dilemma as well.

The exciting movement I am talking about is boycotting Chinese goods and uninstalling Chinese apps. Let me share my dilemmas here –

1. I plan to uninstall all Chinese apps from my phone. However, my dilemma starts after that. My phone is a Chinese brand. I’ve used American, Taiwanese and Japanese phones. The brand I use used to be American, but a Chinese corporation brought it. The Chinese brand was the best in performance, and offered a great value to the price. Who cares, this phone is going to the bin.
2. I am straight up ordering a new phone from a popular American brand (hint – Its named after a fruit, and its not banana). Some research and it struck me that this brand assembles its phones in China. Who cares, I am going to buy it anyways. I am allowed to be a hypocrite sometimes.
3. I look around the house to bin more goods. My parents are watching Ramayan on TV (Chinese brand, again). I am going to bin that TV, and would suggest my parents to read the book instead. I would not be able to buy a new TV from a Korean brand for some time now, because I will have no money left after buying the (fruit) phone. The TV has some Chinese equipment and was probably assembled in China, but who cares, I am allowed to be a hypocrite sometimes.
4. I keep looking around and I see my laptop. American brand, phew! The backside however, says “Made in China”. Did a fact check and found that this is the case with most computing brands. Not going to use a computer/laptop anytime soon. Can’t be a hypocrite all the time. Setting up a pakoda shop soon.

Here’s the obvious truth. We live in a globalized world, and things are not that simple to segregate. A mobile phone corporation from US, would set up its factory in China, would have the R&D work done in Japan and software solution developed in India. Boycott of goods that we are talking about is impractical, if not impossible. We do not have the capabilities to produce everything we need at this moment, and it would take years to develop those capabilities, even if we wanted to. What next, we would buy goods from some other country, which would be more expensive and would leave us with lesser money.

A friend of mine said, “You can take a person out of China, but not China out of a person.” While this was said as a joke, it’s the bitter truth.

Hope you have a great week ahead. There would be lot of work related calls lined up I’m sure, on Zoom – a US based corporation set up by a Chinese immigrant. It relies considerably on its R&D team set up in China and Chinese equipments. Hope the app is still there. If not, hope that job is still there.

 

Yours bitterly,

Ashish

A Bitter Movie Review - DDLJ

The initial part of the story is set in London, when immigration was easier to the UK. The first line of the movie is: This is London, the world’s biggest city.

This line really sets the tone of the movie straight. Like bro, London isn’t even in the top 10 in terms of land area. Not even in terms of population. Commendable research.  

Simran’s dad (Chaudhry Baldev Singh – CBS) owns a super market. He owns London real estate, like literally, but still claims that he is just making ends meet. He absolutely doesn’t believe in women’s rights. He finalizes his daughter’s marriage around the time she was born, and doesn’t believe she has a say in it. His wife is always scared of him, too.  In conclusion, you can’t claim to be a feminist and enjoy this movie at the same time.

For a girl living in the world’s biggest city, Simran does not seem to have much ambition, except that she writes songs about an imaginary guy in her diary. Her life seems to be all over when she comes to know that she is about to be married (where have I heard that before?). She meets Raj on a Euro trip, who is initially portrayed as a spoilt brat, and falls in love with him. If a guy really behaves like Raj in real life, I am sure he will be branded as a creep. However, his creepiness looks romantic here. Simran is oozing Indian sanskaars in the movie. In one of the scenes, she tells Raj – “Ladki ke saamne sharaab peete hue sharam nhi aati?” (aren’t you embarassed to consume alcohol in front of a woman?). Later in the movie, Raj transforms and develops an incredible lot of sanskaar too.

CBS comes to know about her daughter’s love affair and would have honour killed her, if he wasn’t in London. Instead, he sells off everything, even his London real estate, and decides to move back to India immediately. With all the money, he is still travelling back to his ancestral home in the sleeper coach of Indian rail. Raj develops some scheme and finds a way to Simran’s fiance’s (Kuldeep) home. If you were thinking Raj was bad, Kuldeep (K) seems to be worse. He is very fond of guns and hunting, and goes hunting every morning wearing a denim jacket. Characters in Bollywood movies anyways over dress a lot of times.

Raj is adamant that he will only marry Simran with her parents’ permission, since eloping with her would be against Indian culture. No one told him Lord Krishna had eloped with Rukmini. Krishna did this before it was cool. Instead, Raj tries to win over Simran’s family and within two weeks, he is mostly successful in impressing everyone. Here comes a twist. Just before Simran’s marriage to K, a photo of Raj and Simran flies straight from Simran’s room and directly on to the feet of CBS on the ground floor. He picks up the photo and comes to know about the affair. He calls Raj and slaps him multiple times. Raj decides to give up on Simran and leave Punjab the next day.

All lost, Raj is waiting at the station with his dad to catch a train next morning. Bad guy K turns up with a bunch of his friends, all having guns in their hands. They hold their guns just like a stick, and start hitting Raj and his dad. What an intelligent way of using guns! Anyways, Raj somehow manages to beat up around 8-10 men from a village in PUNJAB on his own (seriously?). Love is like Bournvita, it definitely makes you stronger.

Simran and her family arrive at the station to watch these guys fighting. However, the fight is over and the train arrives just on time. Raj boards the train and Simran wants to board it too. However, CBS grabs her hand tightly and won’t let her go. The train blows the whistle and starts moving slowly. Suddenly, CBS has a change of heart and decides to let her go (indecisive af). Simran starts running in her Indian traditional attire. She is actually running faster than the mail train. She could have boarded any coach, all coaches in an Indian mail train are connected. However, she still chooses to run to ‘that’ particular coach and show us all that she was good a good athlete. She finally caught hold of Raj’s hand, and without any accident, boarded the train. A happy ending, truly!

I remember, I’ve had a similar experience. On my way back to Mumbai once, I got down at Igatpuri station to buy wada pav (potato fritters coated in chick pea flour and served with a bun). The train actually didn’t blow the whistle (unlike the movie) and started moving. With wada pav in one hand, I ran like never before. Even with zero athletic ability, I was able to successfully board the train and could enjoy the wada pav at peace.

Moral of the story is – Indian trains make love stories possible. Why? Because our trains don’t have automatic doors. Manual doors are such a blessing.  

Stay safe everyone and please stay indoors.

Yours bitterly,

Ashish M.