porn - television programmes, magazines, books, etc. that are regarded as emphasizing the sensuous or sensational aspects of a non-sexual subject and stimulating a compulsive interest in their audience.
Some of you, must have got so excited once in a while eating a vada pav, samosa or a sandwich, that you must have uploaded a picture of it with tags like #foodporn , #foodgasm , etc.. Such kind of expressions are in vogue, but please stop sexualizing food. If you deep it, it could be borderline gross. Find actual people and stop making out with food for God’s sake. However, I am no Shakespeare talk about the usage of English words, and I haven’t been accused of plagiarism either. It is just my opinion and you can continue to ‘gasm’ or ‘porno-fy’ anything that you want.
Some time ago, by stroke of bad luck I happened to watch a couple of food vlogging videos on Facebook. As you know, Facebook takes more interest in your private lives than your close family and friends and it jumped to the conclusion that I have a passion for watching food vlogs. It kept suggesting more and more videos, and I kept watching them because television is worse. I was disgusted by them, yet I continued watching them. This is what a toxic relationship feels like.
Here are some of the examples of dialogues between a vlogger (“V”) and the chef (“C”)
Scene 1:
C puts green
chutney
V (who’s apparently color blind): Bhaiyya ye kya
daal diya aapne
C (who’s apparently tired of this kind of stuff) –
Ye daala green chutney (no effort whatsoever to explain ingredients, etc.)
V: Ye chutney aap ghar pe banate hai?
C: Haan, hum sab ingredients ghar pe hi banate hai. Bread banane k liye humari khud ki bakery hai, aaloo aur tamatar bhi humare khet see aata hai. Namak k liye hamara apna salt pan hai. Paani bhi humara hi hai (applicable for pani puri)
You ask these C’s about any ingredient and they
seem to be making everything at home.
Scene 2:
Every time there’s a V around, the C’s become quite
generous in putting cheese and butter on their preparations. This is quite
different from the time when you go to these places and the menu card says:
Extra Cheese – INR1 lac.
C puts cheese
V: Ooooooooo bhaiyaa oyee hoyee, ye dekhiye kitna
cheese daal diya aapne, oye hoye oye hoye
C gets flattered and shreds even more cheese.
V: Maine apni life me itna cheese nahi dekha, agar
aapne itna cheese kahin dekha hai, toh please comment karein.
Seriously? Itna cheese kahin nahi dekha? Aryan ke papa ki movies dekhi hai?
Meanwhile, two people get a heart-stroke on watching the excessive cheese and butter in the video and have to be hospitalized.
Our food culture is in danger from processed
cheese. Look at the state of dosas, it is catastrophic. There’s something
called as “Gini” dosa which doesn’t taste like dosa, but more like a tower of cheese.
How have we managed to screw one of the healthiest breakfasts that’s around. I’m
pretty sure us north Indians must have a hand, we were the ones who were having
aloo sabzi and puri for breakfast. And what’s up with cheese missal pav? The
only thing missal pav needs in abundance is tari/rassa. It’s literally a
perfect thing, why mess it up with cheese?
I was watching a video which said “biggest vada pav in India”. It was just vada that was lost in subway-type sauces, mayonnaise and shredded cheese. What happened to enjoying vada pav with a fried green chili and dry powder garlicky chutney. Our beloved vada pav is in danger too. It seems that food innovation is all about finding ways to introduce cheese and butter to the preparation.
This thing of ‘oyee hoyee ye dekho kitna cheese’ needs to stop and someone needs to say –
“Bhaiyya itna kyu daal rahe ho, zaarorat se zyaada?
Isse acha zeher de do. Ye khaa k waise bhi dheere dheere mar raha hu.”
I doubt it will, so perhaps we will just YOLO and
pay that INR1 lac to add extra cheese anyway.
Yours (extra) bitterly,
Ashish M.
Tip of the month – Stop posting pictures taken from
airplane windows. Impresses no one these days.
